Monday, August 28, 2017
So, the bad thing. Well, I was trying to have fun with my partner, and everything was set up and while I was nervous I was excited to try out some new things. However.. when I'm active, certain parts of our anatomy 'doesn't exist' for my awareness unless specific attention is paid to them. Even then, it doesn't feel normal for me. Well, that disconnect prevented me from being able to.. umm.. 'perform' in the required fashion. I tried, and.. well, nothing really came from it. It was frustrating, and a bit depressing. So yeah, learned something new: 'Samantha's enough of a woman that she's not able to do this kind of thing'.
Let's see, what else can we talk about?
Well, yeah. Wednesday, made it to Montreal, hung out with my friends, and got along well with my partner's significant other. They were cool, and we had some similar interests, so we got to chat about that. Thursday, I took my partner to see Spider-Man - and screwed up getting the tickets. I got them for the wrong theatre. So that became a more expensive trip than we'd hoped. Got to wander downtown, and went to McGill university, and enjoyed the farmer's market there. Also went to the 'gay district', and enjoyed wandering around and taking pictures too.
Friday was 'the experiment', and.. well, like I said. It didn't work out like I'd hoped.
Saturday, my partner had to go out for dinner with their significant other. It was a bigger affair than they'd expected, and ran late.. and I was lonely as hell. And apparently, the medication we're taking for our moods - St. John's Wort - isn't working as well as we'd hoped, because I crashed hard. And I've noticed we're reacting to some things a lot harder than we expected to. This isn't good. We may need to either up the dosage, or get the hard stuff, and we kind of wanted to avoid getting the hard stuff.
Sunday, we went to a 'munch', where people with a certain interest were able to gather and talk about stuff, knowing they have a common interest, and being able to be normal around one another. After hanging out for awhile, it was time to go home, and I kinda slept and rested on the bus ride home. Once home, Kit took over, and went to the Loon and Arrow with Cat. The serving girl was awesome, and it was a pleasant wrap to the trip.
So, looking forward to another trip to Montreal.
Looking forward to spending time with my partner.
Looking forward to seeing what I am capable of, and what we can do together.
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Samantha: Kit's given me the chance to go on vacation for the first time, so I'm spending five days in Montreal. I've never been in control like this, and I get to try being my own person during the trip. Sadly, this also means having to adult as well.
So far, so good. Though I had a weird dream, where I was talking to an artist friend online, while playing with myself. It wasn't sexual, when I did that, I sounded like a sitar. My girlfriend was there with me, as was her kind of furry persona, though human still. And then my sister in law came into the room, amazed at the sound I could make. We were at our old place.
Yeah, weird dream.
Monday, July 31, 2017
I'm heading to Montreal for a few days to see someone, and I'm looking forward to it. It isn't 'Kit and Cat are going to Montreal', it's me. Kit's giving me some time for myself - a few days - and I can spend it with someone I care about.
But there's complications.
See, a few days ago, we were discussing things we'd be doing while I was visiting, and some of them were.. well.. personal in nature. They hit a lot of my fun buttons - and while I was a bit shocked and shy about it, I was like 'oh, this is going to be interesting!'
And I was thinking 'I get to spend a bunch of days alone with her!'
And.. while it's true.. it isn't completely true.
There's going to be one day where her boyfriend's going to be staying over. And if I came earlier - which had crossed my mind - there'd be a few days where he'd be there, saying over. Which means I'd be in the living room.
Not with her.
I don't think I'm ready for that. I can probably deal with one day like that.. but not multiple days. And on the weekend, she's going off to his parent's place with him. I won't be going. And I'm going to have to deal with that.
I'm the 'on the side' in this relationship. As much as I don't want to be. But I have my limitations and she has her limitations. Different cities, different needs, that kind of thing.
That.. kind of took the air out of this some. I do want to go, and I do want to spend time with her, but I've also tried very hard to ignore that there's another relationship involved. I keep on thinking 'oh, this is that guy, her friend' - not 'this is her boyfriend, who she has a relationship with'.
And.. it makes me think of the stuff we talked about a few days ago, and suddenly, I'm wondering 'do they do that kind of thing?'.. and a part of me is worried that 'yes, they do', and a part of me is going 'you really don't want to know the answer, in case it's 'yes'.' And.. the fact it might be yes, kind of makes me want to cry.
Friday, June 2, 2017
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Thursday, March 30, 2017
I don't know what to say.
Well, let's start from the beginning, I guess? A few years ago, I met a woman at a convention. I was immediately struck by her. She was interesting, she was intelligent, there was something to her I was attracted to. Sadly, she had some trouble then, and it cut short us getting to know one another. But we touched base and we became friends.
She became sort-of-kind-of my girlfriend. But there were problems. Me, being a part of Legion, was one of them. And.. well.. life isn't fair, is it? But yeah, I understood the problem, and I accepted it as much as I could.
Then she got a girlfriend. Who became her fiance. And I liked this person, and we got along well, and I wished for my friend to be happy. So, I played nice, and just accepted my place, and was very happy for them. But then tragedy happened, and she lost her fiance. And I felt crushed by that, and tried my best to be there for my friend.
And when she recovered(ish, because how do you really recover from that), she looked for someone who could help her - to meet her needs. And I get that. But I wanted to be her girlfriend again, and be there for her.
And recently, she came over to visit, and we snuggled, and talked, and I told her 'I love you'. I'd never said that before to her, and it surprised me when I said it. And she admitted she couldn't say that back to me - not that way. And it hurt, but I accepted it.
So, today, I found out she's in a relationship. And I know who the person is in passing - having never met them face to face. But this time, it hurts. It hurts so much. And on one level it hurts more because that person has.. well.. things I have. But she's accepted that, when it makes a barrier for her with me.
And I can understand, because there's so many other issues involved with me.. but it still hurts. I want her to be happy, though, she deserves that. I just wish she could have been happy with me.